Introduction: past, present and future

Dear friends,

Still not too late to share with you something about me and my research journey ;)

To the memory of my late mum & dad: Hjh Che' Minah and Hj Noor Abd Rahman..

Bismillahirrahmanirrahiim...

Introduction

The alarm clock ringing "Burned...its burned!" woke us up; my husband's favourite song from Deep Purple, a popular rock band back in 1960s. Oh no! Its 6.30am! I got to get up..why on earth do i need to wake up at 6.30am while I am on study leave? The weather is so freezing cold outside, inside the house, its cosy and just nice with room temparature at 10 degrees. I close my eyes again and pull the duvet comforting myself for a short while, its 6.35am now....oh...my mind starts operating, what for breakfast? What do i have in the fridge? Left over cooked rice? This tiny brains of mine reflecting the rice, sausages and breads... to get ready for my husband and kids. My husband; Azlan is going to work, he needs to bring some food or otherwise he will be hungry till 5pm, the time he has to punch out. No shops or halal food nearby to buy. My two kids; Sara and Yusuff, they got to go to school, begins at 8.30am to 3pm. They too, need to bring some foods to school. I get up lazy, slowly..my eyes couldn't fully open yet, i walk straight a few steps to the door of my kitchen, open the door, switch on the main switch', turn the gas knob to nearly full power...and put my frying pan to get it warm faster, then i left for cleaning myself up. I can fully open my both eyes now, quickly done my business and.... a few minutes later, as usual i do the prayer.

At 7am..i m fully geared up especially with the radio's on, Magic channels playing evergreen songs, busying preparing breakfast for them...my eldest daughter Syakiera, she's not around. Shes in S. Alam doing her undergraduates there. Having done the breakfast, 'she' definitely comes to my mind..my dear daughter, what is she doing right now, such a pity that she couldn't taste this heavy meals with nasi goreng telor and creamy & soft chicken sausage sandwiches! Kesian my daughter! Cried my heart and soul..always for her everyday, breakfast, lunch and dinner....

.. that starts my days in Welwyn G. C..UK. A long and lonely journey to PhD..

8.15am, after they've gone, i m seating in this small hall aka my bedroom, we have to make use of this hall as the other two rooms were given to my kids. Actually 1 room is a normal size bedroom, and the other one is just half the size of the other one. On this lazy and old sofa provided by the landlord..i tune my LCD TV for BBC morning news..and of course slurping my morning coffee until its last drop..em mm i love my coffee.. (one tea spoon of brown sugar, single milk & nescafe)

9.00am..i m thinking, what on earth m i doing actually? Oh..i do not have to go to the office, i have plenty of my own sweet times! Oh god, i cherish myself for having this precious moment. This is the best time i have for myself, without them. I do need my own space, selecting any TV channels that i want..good that nobody can disturbs me. I, at the same time, have to keep reminding myself that i do not have to go to work..i am doing my research now..myzan..hello!! Oh dear, this is your time to have a break from the busy schedules; driving to and fro KL almost everyday..not forgetting those years in Indah Water for almost 6 years, UniKL 4 years, plus in S. Alam working for a few companies for another 5 years. 2 years did my Master in UiTM. I still remember my office in KL located at Jalan Tun Razak..a big bunglow..old one, with big and shady trees, ample parking area, back then in 1995, i drove a Mazda 3 Lantis, nice and sporty, my favorite car then. My colleague used to say that i look young and chick with that car, although i already have 3 kids at that time. My last given birth was to Yusuff in 1996, i got married when i was 23, exactly after i finished my bachelor in UiTM in 1990, at that time it was called ITM S. Alam.

I remember while i was on the road, the drivers past by sometimes stared at me, i ignored them, and i think to myself, why do they stare? What was their problem? Do they think that i m a so called 'mistress' to someone? Hey, sorry! I m the owner of this car, i bought it with my own bloody money..i worked for it OK, and i m worth driving it! Shah Alam, KL. KL, Shah Alam..everyday, except for Saturdays and Sundays! Now, on and off, i do think about those days, months, years of the hardwork. I pity myself sometimes thinking of working schedules, children, maid problems, and hectic life i had those days since 1990-2001, and then 2004-2008. But, in 1995-1997, we were considered lucky and quite successful, Azlan was a successful businessman at that time, he was an art dealer and supplier, he has his own art gallery which joint ventured with Concord Hotel Shah Alam. He owned 2 big bikes, we used to ride with a group of big bikers to many places locally and Thailand, i 've been to Pattani and Phuket by bike with him and friends. My kids were being taken care off by a maid at home. They got any toys they wanted, nice and expansive clothing too. Again, comes to think of it, I am proud to be me..i have experienced good times and bad times too. I work hard and i deserve it. I m doing good for myself, children and family! We used to reward ourselves by buying new clothing, perfumes, dining in so so expansive restaurants, holidaying in 5 stars hotels etc. A few hundred bucks spent unnoticed monthly, for those years! How i wish now that i could turn back the time..saving my money in the ASB... By the way, i did keep some for rainy days..yes, i do. We bought our house in Shah Alam with our savings for the deposits RM25K in 1999...

Those days are gone..my mind reminds me again. I have to determine, focus and workhard for this final educational journey. InshaAllah in the next few chapters, i will insert the story of my life and the research journey over here bit by bit. We are all probably the same, being in ups and downs in our life; the recessions, the unemployment, the struggles in business, to recover on financial and relationships, etc. I believe life teaches us all, there is no shortcut to happiness and successes. Lastly, I m writing this journey just to share my experiences, my struggles in my career and family with you. I m sincere to share and always keep telling to myself that hopefully everything will be OK and i will grad on time. May everythings gonna be allright, be the hardwork will always with me all the way through and i will be back to educate my students in 2012. I put my both hands up: ya Allah, kurniakanlah kejayaan buat ku, jadikanlah ilmu yg aku pelajari ini bermanfaat utk ku, keluargaku dan agama ku..ampuni segala dosa2 ku baik yg kecil mahupun yang besar, kurniakanlah aku kejayaan, jauhilah aku kegagalan. Jadikan aku insan yang sentiasa bersyukur pada Mu. Aamiin...ya robbil'aalamiin...

Oh my, its already 11am now!! i got to start my writing!!

To be continued...